What I think of you now
by Aradia
Summary: A diary entry from an unhappy ex-girlfriend. I couldn't find a good genre to put this in, but whatever. I don't really know what else to say other than please read the first author's note. It explains a lot. Oh, and please review!


What I think of you now  
  
Note from the author to the reader: Let me start out by saying, yes, I know that this is a very rambling little ficlet. It is from the POV of whomever you want it to be. It is directed, at whomever you want it to be. It does work better with some people than others, but it's pretty general. The premise is that there was a relationship. The girl ended it. Now they are friends again, but something he said has made her miserable. She went to her room and wrote all this in a journal, knowing that it was better to write the words in a journal that no one would see than to just keep it all inside. I do have a person who I think it is, but I'm not going to tell you, because you need to decide that for yourselves. I would like to hear who you think it is, though. Thank you for listening to my long note. I hope you enjoy the story. Reviews and flames, if you insist, are welcomed.  
  
Disclaimer: None of the characters belong to me. I am making no money from them. I am just trying to gain a little bit of enjoyment from the writing. I have no ulterior motives.  
  
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What in the name of all that is holy gives you the right to judge me? What gave you the idea that you were of any importance in the way I live my life? Last I knew, we had broken up, and you hadn't seen me in 2 years. How does that give you the right to tell me what I should or should not be interested in?  
  
When I said it was time to break up, I thought that that was an indication that we should have nothing to do with each other any more. I know that that has changed, and we now talk again, more and more often, but still, you have no right to judge.  
  
You see, things have changed for me. I am no longer the person I was before. When I left you, I was different. So much has happened to me since you knew me. I have grown, matured. I have faced a lot, and come out the better for it.  
  
And what about you? You have not. You are the same person that I knew before I left. You are judgmental. You think that you control everything, from the way I think, what I think about, to the way we hold our conversations. Do you think that I have nothing more to say? Just because you are finished talking to me, that doesn't mean I'm finished talking to you. However, I know that that was perhaps how you felt when I dumped you, so I'm not going to stress that one too much. I don't want you to think that I am a hypocrite.  
  
You know, I have decided something. I hate the person I was when I was with you. I wasn't really a person. I did whatever you wanted me to. I said I thought the way you did. You probably don't see what I mean. Here's an example. I said I didn't really want to try the gin because you looked at me. Like that. But I did, by the way. Even now, I think that it is good every now and again to try the kind of things that people my age get in trouble for but are considered a part of youth. I know that this is off the topic, but still. I still kind of want your respect, in some way. I will never tell you, probably, about the hard cider I had at the talent show, about how I used to try my mother's liqueur when I knew I could get away with it.  
  
And it's not just that. It's the other little things. Like the way you kissed. It was awful. I couldn't stand the way that you slobbered all over my mouth, making me open up farther than I wanted to. You know, I was innocent. And I felt nothing, you know. You told me often that you liked kissing me. I'm not sure if I ever tried to answer you with words. Because if I did, it was a lie. But you never cared anyway. As long as you were happy, having a good time, did it really matter what I felt?  
  
And you always analyzed things too much. Like the first time we French kissed. You seemed to think that it was this major step, something that we needed to talk about, something that thrilled you. It wasn't. I was just trying to feel something. But I couldn't. I never could. The only time I felt anything after we had started our relationship was when I cut up my hands on the bottle cap when we were in the field and trying to open it with our bare hands.  
  
And that was the beginning of the end. I'm not sure I ever told you why it was that I finally broke up with you. The fact was, there was nowhere left to go. You knew I was scared, and there was nothing else we could do with our relationship. I know you never tried to push me, but would you have? I think so. When we'd been together for so long, would you, an 18 year old, have wanted to do more than I did? Would you have cared that I wasn't ready? Would I have stopped us? Or would I have just let you have your way? Would I have been too afraid to say no?  
  
You see, these were some of the questions that wandered, half formed, through my mind. And so I asked for some time. But you wouldn't give it to me. When I said I needed to use the break to think, you wouldn't give it to me. Were you afraid of the fatal words "I need some time to think?" Did you know that when you refused to give me time to think, you actually signed the kiss of death for our relationship yourself?  
  
Because I might have been able to stay with you, you know. I really did just need some time. But you were everywhere. You were there when I went to my friends. You invited yourself over to my own house for New Years Eve. Why did you do that? Did you ever think that it might have been a stunt like that that made me tell you goodbye?  
  
Probably not. Because you might have thought so, but you really didn't know me. You didn't know the real me, you couldn't. And I may not have the right, but I have some advice to give you.  
  
First, learn how to kiss. It may not seem like much, but it could help you. It would have helped you with me.  
  
Second, listen to what a lover says, and pay attention. You may not like what it was that you heard, but listen anyway. That way if a girl feels crowded, you can help to alleviate that.  
  
Third, don't try to tell a girl what to do. When you did that, if felt like I couldn't go against what you told me and still have your respect. That is a hard thing to live up to. If you allow yourself to be a little more laid-back, you may not like some of the choices that she makes, but you won't come off as being such an ass. Because that is what I thought about you sometimes.  
  
Do you remember that day on the docks, when we were playing that game of "catch me if you can" around the signpost? I wasn't really playing. I knew that you wanted to kiss me, and all I wanted was to enjoy the ocean. I love the ocean, you know? And sometimes, all a girl wants is to be, not be together, you know?  
  
And another thing. You don't always have to live up to the stereotypes. Like when you thought I wouldn't want to date you because you weren't tall and dark. Or how you seemed to thing that you could and should dominate me. Or like you thought you should pay for everything. That's not really right. You see, not all girls, and I'll wager, not many girls, like those stereotypes. It isn't fair to anyone. You see, what I wanted was you, not the person you thought you should have been. I don't anymore. I don't want any part of you. And if you've listened to any of what I've said, you'll know why.  
  
And now, after all of that, I just want to tell you not to judge me. I have said all of this to put out how I've felt about you since I left you. And I just want you not to judge me. Because you did tonight. I was telling you a little bit about something that is important to me, and you blew me off. You first told me that I shouldn't enjoy what I find enjoyable. Then you told me that because I did, you had nothing more to say to me.  
  
It hurt, you know. I haven't been able to enjoy my night since I talked to you. I've even been trying to find a way to disappear on those occasions when I have to be near you, so I don't have to deal with you anymore. That makes me sad. Especially now that we've started to be friends again, started to heal. It makes me sad that I still feel like I have to run from you. Because, to me, you will always be that trial that I have to face.  
  
So goodbye, my ex, my former, the person who is making my night hell. Goodbye and goodnight.  
  
~*~ ~*~ ~*~  
  
Author's note 2: This was written after I had a bad conversation with my real ex, and these were my scattered thoughts after it happened. I hadn't meant for it to be a story, but I just thought it worked. Tell me if it did, tell me if it didn't. Thank you for reading! -Aradia 


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